Wait, Why Are You Doing This?

So as I've geared up and starting training for this half-marathon thing, people keep asking me "why?" One person even joked that she wouldn't do a half-marathon unless she had a long distance runner-cum-burglar chasing her. On some days (like Thursday when I realllly didn't want to run in the heat after a long day at work) I'm inclined to agree wholeheartedly.

Well, the easy answer is that I'm crazy, and an overachiever, and I like to run, so I combined all of these things and signed up for a half-marathon. The less-easy answer is that I've always wanted to finish one and I figured a good way to make myself actually follow through was to pony up the $75 and register.

The really complicated answer requires a bit more introspection. First of all, last year was a wild ride. I quit my job, moved across the country, and earned my Master's degree in a year. Phew. But, it was amazing and exhilarating and crazy and I'm so, so glad I did it. It got me out of the 9-5 I-Hate-My-Job rut and it really helped me grow as a person. I tried so many new things in that year I can't even count them all.

And then once my MA program was over and I settled into my next full-time job, I felt that stagnation creeping back in. I got up, went to work, went home, ate dinner, and then went to sleep, just to wake up the next day and do it all over again. I began to feel like I was living a very small life, one of quiet desperation, if you will. I didn't find fulfillment in anything that I did (at least not at work). I wasn't learning new things, or growing and acquiring new skills. I was just collecting a paycheck, and a few extra pounds each month as I ate my way through boredom and unhappiness.

I had several freakouts of the Oh My God What Am I Doing With My Life variety. I think everyone in their 20's can relate to that. There's just so much uncertainty, I really hate uncertainty. People in job interviews would ask me "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" I couldn't answer this question; I didn't even know where I saw myself in 10 months. Once I decided I wasn't going to get a PhD and become a professor, I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do. I had so much drive and passion and nothing to work towards.

I still haven't decided what my life plan is but I have decided to not define success by what I do for a living, at least not right now. I don't know what kind of career I want to pursue, other than I know I want to do something I find intellectually challenging and fulfilling. I want to work with intelligent people on something I feel passionately about. While I try to figure out the who/what/when/where of that, I'll work on accomplishing some of my other goals. Put that energy towards something. This is where the half-marathon comes in.

I've always wanted to do one, ever since sophomore year of college when some friends and I talked about running the Austin Half together and I chickened out at the last minute, fearing it would be "too hard." I was 20, NOTHING was too hard. I had the body of a teenager and endless free time. Alas, it is now 6 years later and I've been busy ruining my knees with at least a decade of running on hard surfaces with worn-out shoes. But I signed up, paid that $75, and I'm going to run this thing if it kills me. Then when people ask where I see myself in 10 years, I can answer that uncertainty no longer bothers me because I know I'll go confidently in the direction of my dreams, even if those dreams are sometimes nightmares of being chased by a long distance runner-cum-burglar for 13.1 miles. At least I'll know I can do it.